I am working on seizing the present moment. I want to learn how to live in the now. I’m tired. I am tired of waiting to live, waiting for the perfect moment to take that vacation, or get that massage, enjoy that dance class, wearing that perfect outfit. I’m not talking about enjoying the little things, or living life to the fullest. I mean jumping over self imposed hurdles, freeing myself of unnecessary and inaccurate ideas of what life should be.
I want to allow myself the freedom to think and have free flowing ideas without the voice of judgement, reason or rationality. My thoughts deserve an open field, unconfined and untested. I want to just let my mind wander wherever it wants without trying to control or stop the flow. I want to continue with my thoughts even when fear sets in. Fear of where those thoughts might take me, when they start to make me feel uncomfortable, when they start talking from a place deep within. A place buried under a mountain of social constructs, preconceived notions, false beliefs, past memories, old patterns, and goals that are not my own.
I ask myself repeatedly, “what do you want?” “who am I?” I respond with I don’t know, but I am lying. I do know. I know down in my very core, it’s trying to talk but I can’t hear it. How can you hear something so faint? How do I make my heart speak louder? How do I make it shout?
Those with wisdom have told me to write, write down your thoughts without stopping and to sit with myself quietly every day, close my eyes and breath deeply for a few minutes.
I’m writing, I’m breathing. One day soon I will have the courage to hear what my heart has to say. When I can hear it, it will be my choice to follow it or ignore it.